


tread lightly on my ground

by EmeraldRoses



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Angst, Eating Disorders, Eventual Smut, Explicit Language, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lots of Background Ships, M/M, Multi, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, bc i'm too soft for rly angsty stuff..., im so sorry jungwoo, like the slowest burn, mostly emotional angst, too lazy to tag those
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2018-12-10
Packaged: 2019-09-15 15:58:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16936245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmeraldRoses/pseuds/EmeraldRoses
Summary: Mating is a serious commitment. Mating, above all else, above the titles ofboyfriendandgirlfriend, abovemarriage, is the most sacred bond between people. It's a bond so deep, so emotionally connecting, that it's shattering to break. Heart shattering, Earth shattering, soul shattering. Breaking a mating bond, in many cases, can even lead to death; of a broken heart.Jungwoo's heart, and soul, is shattered. In a million tiny, barely visible pieces. So small, so minuscule, it's impossible to put back together. It should be impossible. There's never any second chances after mating; no one wants an omega who's already been taken. Already marked and mated.There's no one to want him, to need him. To fix him.





	tread lightly on my ground

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The cypress flower.
> 
> Mourning. Despair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this whole chapter is ANGST ANGST ANGST, please be weary of the tags! it talks about all of that in this chapter.
> 
> ps: i'm so sorry i love jungwoo so much

Jungwoo is shattered.

It's metaphorical, really, or at least it's meant to be. But anyone can see. They can see it in his eyes, in the way he holds his body, the quiet of his voice. His slowing will to live. Anyone can see that Jungwoo is shattered. Everyone should know, he is shattered. His heart is broken, and his soul no longer exists. The things that make up any normal human being are gone within Jungwoo.

He smiles, but there's no happiness. He cries, but there's no sadness. He speaks, but there's no conviction to his words.

He lives, but he isn't alive.

Jungwoo is hollow; the vessel of a once living person, a one happy and full of love being. A young boy who would have done anything for the people he loved. Now, he barely loves at all. He doesn't think, anymore, that love possibly exists in the world.

Jungwoo's existence is just that. Existing. He no longer feels  _alive_. His life; it's nothing but an empty reminder of things he'll never be able to get back. Warmth. Comfort. Love. Arms wrapped around him, lips against his own; those  _words_ , the three words.  _I love you._

But no one does.

No one loves Jungwoo. Not anymore. And he wonders, to himself, really, if he was ever loved to begin with. He had been the happiest, ever, in his life, just a short two months ago. He had everything a person, especially an omega, could ask for. He had a group of friends who loved him, he had an alpha, who he was whipped for, and he was mated. He had a mate; the biggest wish for any omega. To be mated. Wanted. Needed for life. Jungwoo was  _happy_ , ecstatic. He had everything he could have ever wanted.

And then it was broken.

The mating bond between two people is the most intimate and emotional connections known. It's in their biology, in their blood. It's what they learn to strive for, to  _please_ others for. A mating bond is unbreakable. It should be, at least. It connects who people, not only physically, but emotionally. Spiritually. It's the center of a pair of mates, the core of any relationship between people. It's bigger than any dating title. Bigger than marriage. A mating bond is essentially finding a  _soulmate_. A soulmate, who's promised to be with you through thick and thin. To stay through the ups and downs. To be there. To want you. Need you.

It almost makes Jungwoo want to laugh. If he could ever find any amusement again. His whole world, crumbled to the ground, broken into thousands, millions, of tiny shards, all because of a  _bond_.

It's deplorable, really. It's despicable.

Jungwoo wishes he had been born different. He wishes his life was still put together. Wishes he still had someone to claim as his own, wishes he had someone to claim  _him_ as their own.

Jungwoo is broken. So broken, he's beyond repair. He's void of the soft sparkle in his eyes, the delicate tone that was in his voice, the loving personality he once owned. He's nothing but an empty shell, wandering aimlessly through life until he dies.

And, secretly, he wishes he dies soon.

 

☆

 

Five months.

It's been five months since Jungwoo was shattered, since his body became hollow, his mind blank. It's been five months since he was broken, turned mateless, and thrown to the wind. He's been living on with his life, he's been making sure to  _appear_ like he's living. But he isn't. He's battered inside, a broken and destroyed canvas. He does his daily routine, assures his friends not to worry, goes to college, and returns back home. It's known. It's a set schedule. It's the only thing keeping Jungwoo barely afloat.

But he's drowning.

Slowly, but surely, Jungwoo is drowning. Sinking into the deepest pit of darkness, gripped at the ankle by the demon keeping him there. His face is barely above water. He doesn't bother trying to grasp for air. Doesn't bother fighting as he's slowly pulled down and down.

There are days when Jungwoo doesn't feel like living. He doesn't feel like putting on a show for everyone else to see. Doesn't want to pretend to be alive. On those days, he doesn't. Doesn't live. Doesn't eat. Barely breathes. Those days have been happening more and more. His body thins. His mind grows weaker, blanker. He starves, and he hopes it kills him. He showers, and he hopes drowns in the water. He stops breathing, and he hopes he blacks out. And never wake up again.

Yet he still forces himself to live. To pretend. Though it's hard to feel, hard to understand what  _feelings_ are anymore, he continues. For his friends. For the ones who care about him. The ones who visit him, who force him to eat. Force him to sleep and to live.

They care. They love him.

But it isn't the same.

Jungwoo doesn't  _feel_ the same. Barely feels at all. He sees their sincerity, sees the care in their eyes, hears the worry in their voices. He can see it all, but it's not the same. He doesn't feel wanted. Doesn't feel needed. He only feels broken. Shattered. Unfixable.

Dead.

 

☆

 

Nine months.

Jungwoo has taken a turn for the worse. He no longer eats. No longer sleeps. His body is destroying itself from the inside out, and he doesn't care. He visits the hospital when forced, but doesn't care enough to stay for the treatment. Doesn't bother with the pills and the medication he's prescribed. His friends scold him, but he doesn't mind. They cry for him, but he can barely feel bad.

He wishes, so badly, that he had died the day the bond broken.

He wishes, so intensely, that he bad never been mated to begin with.

Jungwoo wishes. He wishes, every night, at that one fateful time. 11:11. He wishes, every single damn night, to be dead.

Life would have moved on without him. The world would turn on; people would live on, would never have been involved. His friends wouldn't be in pain over him. His friends would be happy, would be focused on their own lives. But they aren't; they don't. They throw their lives away to focus on him. To try and mend him. To try and fix him.

But it doesn't work. It won't work.

 

☆

 

A year.

It's been a year since Jungwoo's bond was broken. A year since the descent into madness began.

Life has been going on around him. The seasons changed, holidays came and went. His birthday passed, as he turned 23 this year, and he didn't care. There was no party. No mentions to friends or family. His birthday was silent; another day of Jungwoo wishing his existence would fade away.

The anniversary is something Jungwoo never thought of. He didn't think a lot, not anymore, not since his mind became numb. He never thought of the pity he would receive. The sad eyes of his friends. The texts to get well, to eat. To live.

The anniversary, Jungwoo finally thinks, is the perfect time.

It's breezy outside. The end of spring, the slow beginning of summer. The sun is shining, not too brightly, but bright enough to feel some warmth. Only Jungwoo barely feels anything on his skin. Can barely hear how the birds are chirping and the leaves rustling. Barely notices the many people bustling around behind him. The people living. The people alive.

He stares, very blankly, at the water. He's thought of this, attempted many times in the bathroom of his house; only the tub is too small for him to fit and keep himself down. It's not a race, though. It's not timed. He doesn't feel a sense of urgency as he stares, watching the waves on top of the river slowly wade. It's relaxing, to say the least, as relaxing as Jungwoo can make his body. His mind.

His mind is swimming. It's swimming in a sea of darkness and demons. The emptiness of the shell that is Jungwoo.

It isn't a race, to see how long it will take, but Jungwoo yearns for it. His body leans, into the railing, ever so closer to the water below him. It's high enough. The river is deep and cold enough.

And that's all it takes for Jungwoo to fall.

 

☆

 

Death seems to be such a fickle being. A fickle god with unknown motives. There's a voice, always lingering in his mind;  _live_. It tells him to do the impossible. To do what's been the hardest for the past year. Jungwoo stares, eyes glistening, as tears fall down his cheeks. He's silent. He learned how to cry silently after only a month. But he cries, after months of not showing emotions, and he cries. Weeps until his eyes fall shut and he's consumed by sleep. The cycle continues tor hours, for days, as he's kept in the hospital. He barely utters any words to his friends, to the nurses amd the doctors that care for him. He stays silent, ever only crying, because for the first time in a year, Jungwoo finally feels again.

He  _feels_ , and it's such a painful experience.

His heart and soul are still broken, but he feels them that way. Feels how many pieces are scattered on the floor and how sharp they are when he tries to grasp them. He feels and he hurts. Nothing but sadness and grief fills his mind while he's in the hospital.

For the first three days, he cries because he wasn't dead.

The following three days, he cries because he's starting to feel again.

Three more days later, he cries because he wants to feel again. He  _wants_ to feel happy. To feel loved. Wanted.  _Needed_.

He cries because it's the only thing his body seems to know how to do. He cries because his eyes won't stop leaking and he can't will it in himelf to stop. And so he weeps on cycle. Until he no longer can and falls asleep.

It's a week later when Jungwoo finally manages to speak. His voice is strained, broken, like the inside of him feels. He starts eating, regularly, as best he can. He's starved himself for almost a year, and he can barely eat real food without vomitting or feeling sick. They start him off slowly, with simply shakes to provide him nutrients, until he's able to eat real food once more.

It's another week later when he smiles. Jungwoo  _smiles_ , and it almost feels genuine.

A third week goes by, and it's been a month since Jungwoo was put into the hospital. A month, and Jungwoo feels a stirring sensation inside of him.

He doesn't know how to explain it. He doesn't know what to think of it himself. He doesn't understand, and he's scared. He cries himself to sleep again, starts to cry randomly when the feeling occurs. It's frightening, because Jungwoo is finally understanding what it is. It's  _terrifying_ , because Jungwoo's mind is wracking itself, clawing at itself. The inner turmoil is overwhelming, because he wants to live. It's been over a year, and he finally wants to live.

Jungwoo wants to be alive.

 


End file.
